Hello loves and welcome to the last days of 2019.
Yet again a year has gone by. Today I want to do some reflection and look at what I’ve learned in 2019. But I also want to take a look at some of my future goals of 2020, the start of a new decade.
Man, 2019 felt like two years instead of one. The first half of 2019 was so different from the last half of this year. All in all, I can say that I have, yet again, learned a tremendous amount of advice and knowledge that I will take with me in 2020. I feel like this year was one of the hardest when it comes to decision making. From deciding what to do at school to deciding the leave a toxic family member. It has been a hard year and I’m glad it’s over but I did gain experience again. So I’m very grateful for that.
2019 began quite badly. I was dealing with a lot of anxiety and depressive feelings. I went back to my psychologist a few times after two years because I was feeling really really down and I felt like I was losing grip on my life. The anxiety came from not knowing what to do at school. I was doing Linguistics and Literature at the time, in English and Dutch. I felt like I really wanted to do that when I first learned about the course. However, I quickly realised that it wasn’t made for me. I loved English and Dutch but I don’t like the theoretics behind those languages. Especially from Dutch. I don’t want to read a book and analyse every single word. I just want to read it and enjoy it. I want the practical side of it.
At the end of February this year, I decided to quit my programme. Things were not going well. I didn’t go to class. I stayed at home every single day. Until one day my boyfriend said that I had to go and that he was going with me. When we were on our way to the railway station, I freaked out and started crying and hyperventilating very heavily. And that’s when I decided to quit. I couldn’t do it anymore. I officially ‘unsubscribed’ from the programme in March, due to credit reasons. I went to my student job and asked if they needed someone permanently or at least for six months and they did and that’s how I started working for a while. In April I came across some publicity for the Journalism programme at a college in Ghent and was quite interested.
Fast-forward to September 2019. I started a new programme called Journalism, haha. And scroll through time even further and now, at the end of 2019, I can finally say that I have found what I was looking for. Languages, current events, photography, video editing and many other things in one programme. I love it so much and I love doing assignments. It can sometimes be a bit stressful and confronting because we have a lot of deadlines and the assignments aren’t always the easiest for an introvert. But I’m managing and realising that I am capable of so much more than I thought I was.
I also left one of the biggest negative influences in my life this year, which definitely wasn’t easy. But I guess it’s never easy to leave a parent. I have talked about this a few times on my blog. But this year I bit the bullet and finally left. Or rather, I had to bit the bullet. On one hand, I was leaving but on the other hand, I was getting kicked out. So that made life a bit easier. I could go into detail about this whole situation but I’d rather not. It’s not my place to share too much or speak to negatively about people. The parent that I left was unfortunately quite toxic to both her mental health and mine. It was better to leave and I think it will help us both.
Leaving that person has had its ups and downs. The biggest downfall has been the feeling of not belonging or not having a real family. I miss having parents and realising that the relationship has changed is still a tricky subject that I will have to process and put into perspective. Also belonging in a home has been touchy. I’m still studying so I don’t really have a permanent home and I don’t really have anywhere to go to stay there permanently. So 2020 is going to be about processing and trying to give this a little place in my mind and coming to terms with it. That will be my biggest mission of 2020. Finding peace with this situation.
A big up has been, very ironically, finding peace with another aspect of life. I feel at ease. I feel less stressed. I don’t feel like I have to tiptoe around what I do or say and that has given me a lot of peace for the last 6 months. I feel like I can finally explore things that I wanted to do without dreading the outcome in the end. Every time I had a good time and went away, I would come home and there would be a massive argument. That’s not the case anymore and I feel much more at ease. So that’s something that I enjoyed in 2019. Finding that piece of myself. Finding myself again.
My plans for 2020 are pretty basic. Getting my drivers license (it’s about time jeez), not spending too much money on makeup, experience a bunch of new things, pass my first year, work on the blog and insta, etcetera. But the most important thing that I want to achieve in 2020 is a bit more happiness and trying to let it grow each year. Being happy is all I ever wanted really. I don’t want to be over-the-moon-happy-24/7 but I do want the happiness to conquer the sadness for once. I have been too sad for the last few years and I really want to turn the tide. So this year is the year that I will change that.
Here’s to growth and a happy 2020 to you all.
What are some of your goals for 2020? Let me know in the comments and I’ll see you next year (cheesy dad joke). Lots of love from me, Peculiar Belgian aka Laain x